Monthly Archives: September 2015

Stewing and Faith


TO STEW: Informal. A state of agitation, unease, worry.

FAITH: Confidence and trust in God.

Have you ever stifled your emotions for so long that when you finally realized the need, you failed to know where to begin to reduce the numbness of it all? I sit here this morning, with so much to say but that stale bile from my thoughts have taken up space in my heart, residing comfortably as I fail to know how to evict it. Perhaps in lieu of all the other outlets, some not so healthy, I choose to spew my thoughts on here.

How does one relieve themselves from the walking hell that is a product of ones emotions, environment and circumstances? When does it get better? When does the absolute insanity of other people’s shortcomings stop invading our lives and those of our children? Why is it that someone I love with all of my heart, a good and decent man, is continually punished by his past with no end of the grievances in sight? When does it stop? Why is it that the ones with faith, love for the Lord and their fellow man are the ones in constant struggle and depression for their unending circumstances. It is an infinite, whirlwind of manipulations, battles of wits, laws, and red taped games. And I’m exhausted by it all. I am tattered with no fight left in me.

I hang onto my faith by a thread, a frayed thread, but a golden one nonetheless- the strongest thread that has ever been created.  I keep telling myself how He’s never failed me yet. That these times will pass and there’s a silver lining somewhere if I look hard enough. That’s the only thing I have to survive this beautiful, crazy, redundant yet fulfilling life that I have for but a moment in time, BUT it is enough. I am enough, HIS grace is enough…And as I am writing this, His love has washed over me in comforting calmness dissipating the weight that I have carried so silently all along. Amazing how faith and frustration can bring Him calling to my heart and my soul. He knows my heart, my every thought regardless of it being good or horrible and He still comes to rescue my soul and my fears from myself.  “Oh ye of little faith…” Yes, Lord. I know. How silly I get sometimes.

It feels good to let it out, let it go and give it to you. Tomorrow is a new day and I have you to help us through whatever anyone or anything throws at us. In a world full of unknowns, horrors, trials, tribulations and demons, I know we are safe by the comfort of your never ending, never failing love. Sometimes we all need that reminder from you as I tend to do it all on my own, I get reminded that I shouldn’t and I cant. By your grace alone we can conquer this life for Your glory.

I will pray for those who test us and attempt to break what we have built together in Your name. For one day, they will have to answer to You for their misdeeds and crimes against Your children. How beautiful it is to be Your child. I know our trials are but another thread that we must use to build our tapestry of testimony. And I know that it will be beautiful when it is finished, even with my golden thread that is frayed here and there. For You are my Saving Grace in the darkness, Lord. Thank you for humbling me and taking in my doubts and fears, so that I can continue on with the eyes of a child and the resilience of a soldier.

So instead of stewing my heart away, I am reborn yet again in Christ’s love. Faith renewed and joy restored. Funny how He works, isn’t it?